As I was gazing in the distance, saying goodbye to my home in the country that I loved and thanking God for one more opportunity to enjoy the beautiful sunset, I saw Jesus standing in the corner of my eye. I continued to gaze, knowing He was there, and He spoke this to me, “What are you going to do about that one?” My heart knew what He was talking about. It was my past abortions. Looking back on that moment as I was standing there, I knew my life was about to change. I was moving from my country home, my safe place where Jesus met with me as I walked wooded paths. This is the home where I taught my children and grandchildren about Jesus. 

I heard the call to sell our home one evening as I was standing next to our pond enjoying a sunset. God spoke and told me that it was time to move from this place where you now live. All I could say was, “You are going to have to help me with this request, for my heart is very connected to this home.” I knew it just made sense. Nothing was quite the same as before. God was calling me to a new place. So, when Jesus asked me what was I going to do about that one, I trembled and said, “Oh no, not that, anything but that.” There were so many other parts of my journey with God I was able to discuss. How could I possibly share this part of my life that has been hidden under the bed for thirty years? Jesus spoke this to me, “It doesn’t belong to you anymore, it belongs to me; I purchased it from you. Will you let me use it?” When Jesus revealed to my heart that it did not belong to me anymore, I felt this burden of hiding lifted from my shoulders and freedom to share about my abortion. I did not know how and when it would happen, but I knew that He wanted to use this part of my life to help someone else. Therefore, I would be obedient and say, “yes.” I could share with others that I had one abortion, but that would be denying the other two that I had. This was even more difficult to comprehend. Jesus spoke this, “Each baby is very important to me and I have them kept in heaven.” I saw Jesus’ arms folded as if He was holding an infant. “Do not deny that each child ever existed. This world is temporary. I have made an eternal plan even for the unborn.” He asked, “Will you let me use your testimony of forgiveness for having an abortion? Will you speak up to the lies that are being told that it is good for a woman to have an abortion if it is what she chooses. It is not good!” 

As I have shared and will continue to share, I do not expound on the details of my choices to have abortions, I only want to Glorify God as the One who forgives all sin and brings freedom from the shame of sin. This I will share. The young woman who made these choices did not fully understand who God was. At eighteen I had no relationship with Jesus, but I knew that being pregnant right before graduating high school would bring shame, and I did not want to be that girl. The second two, I would say that I was a Christian living on a sandy foundation. I wanted these babies, but my fear of man’s rejection was greater than my fear of God. But as the forgiveness and healing have come, I can testify that Truth is my anchor and my foundation is secure on the Rock. I will share openly of my wrong choices so that other women and men will know the Power of the cross for forgiveness and freedom. 

Because I had hidden this from everyone in my life, I had to tell those closest to me about the abortions. I did not know how I would tell anyone that I had three abortions, but God made the way. The first person that I told was my son. We are close and in ministry together. After he had a diving accident at the age of 18 and became paralyzed, a ministry began that took us to places and people to share the Hope of God that comes in the most difficult of times, and to share how near Jesus comes to the broken-hearted. The parts of my life where sin abounded, I had wanted so much to keep from him. He only knew his mother as a mom who loved and talked about God all the time. My son was 23 when I shared this part of my life with him. As I did, he looked at me with such compassion and said, “Praise God!” He knows the God of redemption and where sin abounds Grace abounds more. For thirty years I was afraid of this truth in my life, but Jesus has a greater Truth, the Cross was enough. I am redeemed! You, too, are redeemed. My desire is that being transparent with my life’s story will encourage other women to believe that the cross was enough for them and they can now be free from the grips of shame. It is in an intimate relationship with Jesus where He will speak to your heart that He loves you, and He will remove your guilt and shame.

A young woman of 19, full of grief and desperation, darkened the doors of a clinic promising freedom from the responsibility of parenthood. She was frightened and walked into a decision that she believed was the only way out. Tears streamed down her face as she cried out, “I’ve changed my mind. Don’t take my baby,” but the nurse appeased her and uttered, “It’s too late.”  

That day will forever be vivid in my memory. For years, I lived with regret, shame, and guilt from walking out the worst decision of my life. Selfishness and pride sacrificed the life of another, a life that had purpose and promise. A scarlet “A” was written across my heart. The word “murder” haunted me. Fear of exposure gripped me. How could I expose this dreadful sin to my children and others who knew my stand on abortion? I would disappoint them and they would lose respect for me. These were the thoughts that plagued my mind. As I meditated daily on the promises of God, He gave me power and freedom through the blood of Jesus, the love of God, and the power of the Holy Spirit living in me. He reminded me of the freedom I had as a forgiven follower of Jesus. He gave me courage through 2 Timothy 1:7, For God did not give us a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind. I was no longer under the weight of the punishment for my sin. There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out all fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 1 John 4:18 I truly had been perfected in His love! 

The strength and courage I gained through the presence of God and the power of His Word led me to begin sharing with women who had made the same decision and experienced feelings of guilt and shame. I shared my testimony in an effort to walk them through the process of healing by receiving the forgiveness Christ died to give them. There was a tugging in my heart that one day I would go public. God gave me a vision of being on stage at our church, holding up a sign with the word ‘Abortion’ on one side and ‘Acceptance’ on the other side, and saying, “Through the forgiving power of the blood of Jesus, I moved from the shame of abortion to receiving the acceptance of God.” And, every time God gave me this vision, I recoiled in fear that the first hurdle I had to jump over was sharing the truth with my children and others who respected me. A nervous pit in my stomach would immediately cause me to write off the notion of going public. 

Fast forward to 2016…God birthed in mine and Shawn’s hearts the idea of adopting our daughter, Chelsie. He had strategically placed her in our home right before her best friend, our daughter Ashley, was to be married. After a few months of her living with us, God revealed to me that she was a part of my restoration after the decision to abort 30 years prior. It’s interesting that this came to pass 30 years later, a multiple of 3, the perfect number in His perfect timing. He gave me a peace to go ahead and share with Chelsie that she was a part of my restoration. This opened the door for me to then share with my other three children, one-by-one. The beautiful part was that they all received this news with compassion, grace, and love toward me. The same Jesus who restored Peter after he denied Him three times lives in my children and He restored me through them.  

The red “A” that once was abortion became adoption. The sin that I laid at the feet of Jesus became my testimony. The pain that I experienced was met with mercy, grace, love, and compassion. The child that I sacrificed at the altar of self-centeredness lives in Heaven and awaits me. The child that God gave me 30 years later to enjoy on this side of eternity is a beautiful, precious woman who is my daughter and bears my likeness in many ways. I am forever grateful! 

Why do I share my story? I am a messenger of hope for you. He has healing and restoration for you, too! Regardless of what shame is written across your heart, He is standing at the door knocking. Invite Him in to dine with you. “Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.” Revelation 3:20 Through His presence, you will experience the power of being perfected in His love and seeing yourself as a forgiven, treasured child of God.

Eight years ago, I met Jesus at the age of 22. I said to Him, “Lord I give You everything, I hold nothing back!” He so gently touched an unhealed hurt. Yet I recoiled and remembered saying, “No! I was the victim there. ” God is a gentleman. If we refuse to give Him something, He will not just take it. 

So for the next eight years of knowing Him, I wasn’t free. I sang about the chain breaker, but carried around my own heavy shackles. I was full of shame, regret, and condemnation, because I had agreed with if for 14 years. 

My heart’s desire was closeness with Him and to really know the Holy Spirit. I desired to feel His presence, but could never figure out what I was doing wrong! I read His word for eight years and prayed. My prayers were even answered, but no “stirring the gift within you” was possible for me. Whenever I tired, it was as if I were trying to walk through heavy think mud. But, I never gave up. I held true to God’s promises, “seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened.” I kept begging for closeness. 

One day the Lord said so clearly to me (which didn’t happen often at the time), “I’m going to take you deeper.” I was overjoyed! This was everything I had wanted! 

Two weeks later, myself and my closest group of friends waited in anticipation to become “Squad Baby Aunts and Uncles” as the first of us to become parents, David and Elisa Cobb gave birth to their Son Abraham. 

To everyone’s disbelief, Abraham died shortly after He was born. 

The morning after his death, still in shock, I sat on my knees crying as my husband held me, feeling the overwhelming devastation for our dear friends loss, the Lord spoke clearly again, this time saying, “They didn’t have a choice, but you did.” 

I knew exactly what He was referring to, the undealt with abortion I had at 16, and He was going to deal with this in me once and for all in order to “take me deeper” with Him. 

He reminded me of this unhealed abortion and demolished the walls I had built around it to protect myself from it. For 2 days, I experienced a festering hurt like I had never felt before until I finally surrendered it to Him. When I did, He lifted the 14 years of shame as if it were a stray hair. 

Wind back 14 years to the young age of 16. I was looking for love in all the wrong places and soon found myself pregnant. Confused and naïve, I had no idea what I was going to do. I had no relationship or thought of God, but I did have a tiny hope in my heart that I wanted to keep the baby. 

At that time, I shared with my mom that I was pregnant. She asked me what I was going to do. She waited silently for an answer, but I became too afraid to tell her that I wanted to keep my child. As she waited for my response, I finally uttered what I believed she wanted to hear, “I’ll have an abortion.” Immediately, I felt that small inkling of hope within diminish. Blame toward my mother rushed in my heart. 

After the procedure, I went home and slept. As I woke up the next morning, I believed that I had successfully stuffed into the depth of my being all despair and regret. 

Two weeks later, I remember waking up feeling devastated, hoping it was a terrible nightmare but also confused, empty, lost, broken, and shocked. I felt as though a piece of me was left at that cold, dead, hopeless place when I walked out that evening. I believed that the only one to blame was the one who made me do it, my mother. 

I remained a subconsciously ashamed individual for the next 14 years of my life. In my heart and mind, she (my mother) made me do it, not me. I was the victim, and it was as if she had held me down and forced me (which she didn’t). 

Fast forward 14 years, after I fully surrendered to Jesus what I had done, and he lifted the shame, I realized how much more emotional and mental damage the abortion had caused me. 

I found a healing post abortive recovery ministry called SaveOne at a local church. Through their 10 week healing bible study lead by my blessed leaders Sandy and Beth, the Lord worked wonders in my heart and mind. I acknowledged fault, repented of the abortion, forgave my mother, forgave myself, and fully surrendered my entire life to Jesus. I found deliverance and emotional healing in ways that I didn’t know were necessary, or possible. 

I am truly honored and humbled to be a daughter of the One True King! 

My journey has ignited in me a passion to educate women and extend hope after an abortion, as well as walking alongside them to lead them through it. 

We have since started Beautiful Redemption here at Lamb’s Chapel, a ministry that functions as a voice for women who need encouragement, hope, and healing from the One and only Redeemer. 

If I can leave all who have experienced this with one word, it would be redemption; God redeems all things.